It really sucked catching my forever friend giving my forever guy a blowjob on my brand new couch. I did the only thing I could do—tossed them both to the street! Then I drowned my sorrows in shots of tequila and chocolate chip, cookie dough ice cream.
Absolutely no one breaks up on December first! What about all the Christmas parties? I’ll be pitied, a fifth wheel.
And it’s especially bad when the rent is coming due on my apartment. I need a roommate—fast!
But my sweet brother comes through. His techy roommate (I’m thinking pocket protector and plaid shirt) from college has a temporary consulting job, and needs a place to stay for the next few weeks.
He’s some kind of software wizard. I don’t care as long as he has half the rent—which he does.
But sweet Jesus, I didn’t expect Noah to look like a walking, talking, tanned Greek God. And, oh good Lord, he also brought along the horse he calls a puppy.
My ex roomie from college has come through again. An apartment in downtown Dallas, near where I’ll be working for the next few weeks. No leases, no deposit—just pay my rent on time.
I don’t really care that it’s with his little sister. Lucas showed me a picture of her once. She was gangly, heavy glasses, and wore braces. I figure she’s the type to keep her nose in a book.
Until the day I moved in and was proven wrong. His little sister had grown up. I’m talking, she could make a dead man sit up and take notice, grown up.
Definitely off limits.
Besides, I think she has a problem with Huck, my dog. Yes, I know he has some…intestinal issues and can be a little gassy, but he’s a growing boy. The best thing for us to do is stay out of Amelia’s way.
Yeah right, like that’s going to happen when we’re living in the same apartment day after day, night after night….
They say the first stage of grief is denial. That’s what you’re supposed to feel when you break-up with your forever guy, right? You know, the guy you plan to marry. The one where you visualize him waiting for you as you walk down the aisle looking like a princess in your white dress and veil.
I had it all planned out. Right down to the baby blue bridesmaids dresses. That was my best friend’s favorite color—baby blue. She looked damn good in it, too. The dress matched her eyes. Well, except for the colorful black ring that I put around her right one.
Why, would I punch my BFF, you might ask?
Because one does not give your forever guy a blowjob on your pristine white sofa. Sorry, but it’s just uncouth.
Apology not accepted.
Denial took a flying leap out the window. Which was pretty fucking obvious, since she had his dick halfway down her throat! She made porn stars look like amateurs! I had a huge case of pure fucking rage! Bye, forever guy! Bye, BFF!
So, here I was, single again, and it’s December first. No one in their right mind breaks up on December first. I’ll be the proverbial fifth wheel at all the Christmas parties.
Can it get any worse?
Oh yes, it can get much worse.
There are the pity glances. Where my other friends and co-workers look as if they’re attending my funeral.
Then, there are the whispers: She apparently couldn’t keep him happy. Bad at sex, maybe? (I don’t mean the fun kind of bad sex.) No, I’m talking about them thinking I might be a corpse in bed. It kind of goes with them looking as if they’re at my funeral.
I should send out a flyer: Amelia Hart is fucking fantastic in bed!
Having my friends thinking I suck in bed (no pun intended) still isn’t even close to being the worst part.
Courtney (the ex-best friend) and I run in all the same circles, so we’re bound to be invited to the same parties. What if she brings my ex? Actually, he’s probably invited as well.
Now you know why it sucks to break up in December.
Am I going to wallow in self-pity with a gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and a spoon while doing tequila shots?
I’ve just got to figure out what I’m going to do now. I like having an orderly life. Even in the apartment nothing is out of place. Now my life is complete chaos. I don’t know how I’m going to pay my soon-to-be due rent. Apartments in Dallas, Texas are not cheap. There’s no way I can afford this one without a roommate.
What to do? Cry on my older brother’s shoulder? Yeah, that sounds good.
I grabbed my phone and called him. “I broke up with Michael and I kicked Courtney out of the apartment,” I said as soon as Lucas answered.
There was a moment of silence as he digested my words.
“Okay. Why?” he asked.
Lucas was a man of few words. “Because I came home from work early and caught Courtney giving
Michael a blowjob.” I sniffed. “They were on my new couch, too.”
“At least it’s white,” he said.
I heard a hint of laughter in his words. “That’s just gross.”
“I don’t know why you’re so upset. Michael was a jerk. You just never saw it. Courtney has always been out for herself. She’s been riding your coattails since college. You did the work, she took the credit.
You’re better off without them.”
“You could at least be a little more sympathetic.”
“Not going to happen. I never liked either one of them. I was surprised you let them weasel into your life. You’re beautiful, and Michael liked having you on his arm. You were eye candy.”
Funny how his words sounded so right about Michael being a user. I wasn’t sure about me being eye candy. My brother told me I was beautiful when I wore heavy-rimmed glasses and braces, too. I was the little princess as far as Lucas was concerned.
When I thought about it, I wasn’t that upset losing either one of them. Maybe I had known all along what kind of people they were. I hated change. Maybe fate stepped in and gave me a push. Pffftt, more like a shove!
“I still have another small problem,” I told him.
“What would that be?”
“My rent is due in a few days. How am I going to find a roommate before then? If I don’t, I’ll have to spend my Christmas money to make up the difference. I love Christmas. This year it’s going to suck.”
Did he know someone?
Excitement bubbled inside me.
“What?” I finally demanded.
“I might know someone, but it’s a man, so…”“I’ll take him!”