If you’re going to be a writer you have to learn how to be a Diva. There are certain rules you need to follow or you’ll stumble and believe me, it would be disastrous if you stumbled. You might never make top Diva status. You’ll be stuck with the stigma of only becoming a minor Diva. I’m shuddering at the thought.

Don’t for one minute think it will be easy, either. Only with help from my very good friends am I getting close to attaining lower-level Divahood.

Rule number one: Being a Diva has to start on the inside. Close your eyes and feel it. If you can’t quite picture it don’t fret. It takes time and patience. Practice every single day. I’ve found sitting at my computer, incense going and a glass of wine close by helps create the Diva mood.

Now, think to yourself. I am a writer, therefore I am a Diva. Tilt your nose ever so slightly, head high, shoulders straight. You might have to shake your shoulders to loosen up. Careful if you’re well endowed. I strained a shoulder doing this once. It really took away from my Diva moment.

Rule Number Two: Only after you’ve achieved inner Divahood can you move to the next step. Yes, the outer Diva. It’s so easy to make a faux pas so I caution you to be extremely careful.

Start at the top. The hair-do. This is a must. It should be a little poofy, but not so poofy it hangs on tree branches or birds decide it looks like a great place to make a nest. It also shouldn’t be perfect.

Ahhh, I can see the raised eyebrows. I bet you were thinking every hair had to be in place. No, that’s for Top-level Diva’s. For now, just concentrate on lower-level, believe me, it will still be worth it.

And remember, I’m cringing here---no, absolutely no sparkle stuff in your hair. If it glitters, get rid of it.

Rule Number Three: Okay, I’m assuming you have the hair-do down so we’ll move on to the make-up. Muted colors work well, but apply with a heavy hand. No blues (shuddering here). Soft browns and beiges work well.

Deep red lipstick is THE color of choice and always carry an extra tube in your purse. Then when you go to the lavatory (note I said lavatory not bathroom or can---learn the Diva words!) anyway, while you’re in the lavatory make sure you freshen your lipstick.

Especially if other women are present. You can make some very striking poses as you lean toward the mirror thus enhancing your Diva image. Another caution, sadly to say, I once saw a Diva Wannabe applying her lipstick and she leaned to far forward falling into the sink. Not a pretty picture. I doubt she ever fully recovered.

Rule Number Four: This is probably the single most important rule. Always wear nail polish. Again, the deep red color works well.

Learn to talk with your hands. Flutter them to the right, flutter them to the left. I know you’re dying to try it so go ahead. Fun isn’t it? Another warning, though.

I know, it’s so hard being a Diva. So much to remember.

When you’re fluttering your hands about be very careful not to smack the person next to you. They never fully appreciate when you explain you’re only being a Diva. In fact, they can be quite irate, but enough about that little incident.

Rule Number Four: Diamonds are a Diva’s best friend. Two on the right hand and two on the left. You may count a wedding ring. And where might you get these diamonds, you ask. Wal*Mart. Unless you’ve reached one of the Upper Crust Diva levels you fake it ‘till you make it.

Think about it, if you’re a writer people assume you must have money (Oh Lord, holding side and laughing here) so the diamonds must be real. It doesn’t matter that you only paid $10 a ring.

Now this is where we go back to the reason for rule number one. Remember the inner Diva? Yes, I can almost see the light bulbs going off. If you’ve been practicing and working on the inner Diva you can wear fake diamonds and get away with it. You now have the confidence to do anything, dahling.

Rule Number Five: The clothes. They should be loose and flowing. When you flutter and wave your hands they should flow with your movements. Think butterfly---back and forth. You can practice with a tablecloth until you feel confident enough to make your purchases. Or you can pretend you’re Scarlet O’Hara and use the curtains.

Rule Number Six: The shoes. Diva shoes are a must. Heels. Nothing sensible. If you don’t have the right shoes nothing else will work.

Rule Number Seven: The talk. Diva’s speak soft and smile a lot. Not a wide smile. Show you’re interested in others but remember deep down it’s still all about you, honey.

And raise your eyebrows a lot. But do not pencil your eyebrows to your hairline in the hopes you’ll look wide-eyed. You’ll have the wide-eyed look all right. More like a deer caught in headlights. That can be really scary to non-divas.

Rule Number Eight: The walk. Practice at home wearing full costume. Place one hand out to side, palm facing the floor (one hand only!) two and you look like you’re walking down the runway of a cheap strip club. Chin up, but not too high. Too high and you slip into snobbery. You want to be able to see the little people not step on them. Now flowwwwww as you walk forward. Bright sunlight is better so your fake diamonds will glitter. Don’t flash them toward high traffic areas though. You wouldn’t want to be responsible for a pile-up because you’ve blinded everyone.

Okay, now you’re ready to go out and meet your public. You are a writer, you are a Diva. Now go forth and conquer the world!